Day 2 & 3

Yesterday, got back from work at about 1400 hour. Office having ½ day as its new year's eve. So, went home, wanted to be alone, wanted to be left alone, I off both my cells &..looked at celling, feeling this...stupid pain from my heart. I so hoped it will go away, I so hoped someone could helped, but in the end, I know it myself the clearest, nobody can help myself, nothing can be done. I have been consoling countless people, making countless friends life better, looking strong, telling everyone they can overcome it. But now it comes to myself, I find that...I actually can't do it. In the end, I still can't think of who I can turn to, what I can do. So, on new year countdown, I had everything planned, a nice room booked for her, but well...everything was ruined. I gave the room to FJJLB, didn't want to go out. But in the end, they somewhat, forced me out. I know they meant well. Man..I put on a normal self infront of them, but it so unbearable inside. I can't dwell like I want, I can't be weak, I can't tear, I can't do anything other than,be normal. Finally, after the countdown, they left, Yang fell asleep, I feel more..comfortable alone. Although I tried hard to sleep, but I never fell asleep more than 30 minutes everytime. My heavy heart, seem to wake me, no matter how hard I wannna sleep. Suddenly, time seem so much, a day seem so long & everything seem so slow. I just can't get her out of my mind, I just can't...in the end, I am the weak one. Finally, daybreaks. Its morning. Yang & me had a breakfast, he met an insurance agent, & insisted to watch AVP 2. Seriously, I ain't it the mood to do a shit. I went & watched, but well, probably I wasn't really concerned what the show was anyway. So finally, I made it to the eve, I knew he meant well, suggested dinner. But I really can't take it anymore. I insisted home...so, home I went, & here am I, blogging to nobody.