Well, 2 weeks since the broke up. So much so much happened.
In the morning, while I was looking my PSA pass in my wallet, I saw this red packet with a charm inside. Memories of its origin came into my mind. I remember it clearly, I got it when I was in BMT. I can't compare with Pes A or Pes B guys, but surely, it was a tough time for me too. At then, we were close friends. I told her almost every secret I have, even my scandals & stuff. So, we chat every night. I was bored & needed someone. She was there. I wonder, if she's bored too? Hahaz..probably not. She even bought pre-paid card, so she can chat with me when she's outside. Times at then, were sweet. I bought extra battery for my cell too, just to chat with her. But well, she helped mi to buy it too. Hahaz..
So, back to the charm. I still remember it so clearly, what I saw & what happened in BMT. In short, its just some..weird encounters. So, in the phone, we talked bout it. She was sweet. She went to the temple & got a charm for me. I wasn't really expecting it, I was..hahaz...in fact, quite surprised & touched. Slowly, I fell in love with her & in the end, we ended up together. Our get together, was simple.
I still remember, she went to pick me up on my last book out during BMT. Its as if it was yesterday, the images played in my mind like a clip, I walked towards her, she sat at Pasir Ris interchange with her lecture notes in hand, waiting & we took the train. Soon after we got together, I passed out from BMT. The first time, we meet up as a couple, was at Eastpoint. We held hands when we were in the Pet Safari.
I don't deny, it took me quite some time, to sort up my.."scandals". Hahaz...but never once, I have second thought about it. We were happy. At then, she was still schooling. We were able to chat every night, go out every week. Although, I alway think that its too early to talk about marriage, but in my heart, I know, she will make a good wife.
Then, she went for her attachment. I know, it wasn't too easy for her at then. Like its a change, its not used to the life like that. I tried my best, to be by her side, yet want her to be independant. I stepped into the society earlier, I know the feelings too. Probably, to her, I wasn't being too caring? But to me, I want her to learn & be strong. Like I can't be there forever right? Well, like I expected from her, she did well, too well. Hahaz..soon, her time for me, gradually decrease. She needs to work, take care of her dad. At then, I was in navy. Well my NS navy life was...too free. I have plentiful of time. Hahaz..so, I didn't wanna become another burden, liability to her, I turned to animes, which I never have such hobby before NS, all sort of gaming & my friends, to occupy my time.
During this period of time, few girls came into my life together. Let's just say, few good girls. Can't deny, this kinda stuff, I am in fault too. It takes 2 hands to clap. But, I can face my everyone & say, I didn't do anything wrong. I can feel their sincerity, but I never once forget, Cindy. Soon, things got...um..mayb called out of hand? I felt quite bad actually. They asked me to be with them, but I told them, I won't leave Cindy for them. It was so harsh. We can barely talk after that till now.
Although, to my close FJJLB friends who knew what happened, I am just another FJ arse, hahaz..I don't deny I play, but I ain't that FJ afterall. I just don't show myself. To everyone, I am just talking cock, fooling around & having fun. But who actually know me? Who seen me angry, who seen me cried? Who know that I like red, who know that I am not as cold & actually, very emotional. I just find my reflection so unreal.
After her graduation, she didn't work to take care of her dad for awhile. Umm..I admit, I didn't know how to react to her family problems, so I just told her it can't be helped, it can't be helped. Indeed, I wasn't being good enough. Whose perfect afterall? To me, its very sensetive to talk about family issue. I know she is disappointed, but, I really don't know what to do.
After awhile, through agency, she got a job, which is so ridiculous & made her cry. I tried to talk her out, probably I failed though & I seriously, got furious, called up the agency, wanting to screw the manager. Hahaz..but she stopped me. It aches me to see her suffer like that, but conceal my feelings. I know, she looks upon me, I just don't want her to see me weaker.
Time passed, she changed job & went back to her attachment company to work. As time passed, we got used to our lives, she got even lesser time, I turned to excessive gaming, anime & friends. Probably, things turned sour & I didn't realize it. Phone calls & smses, got lesser & lesser. Meet up became duller & duller. I still quarrelled with her several times. I remember 3 incidents so clearly. 1st time, was a Sunday. We quarreled at a carpark, near my house, before I head to a BBQ with my ex-boss. I grabbed her arm, & she cried. That moment, my heart..soften. I felt so bad, so sorry. 2nd time was at my house. We quarreled & she went out of the house to Eastpoint. 3rd, was the most recently, under Yang's block.
Indeed, it was my fault, I got used to everything & didn't cherish, provide her with what she needs. Soon, she got close to this attached guy as he showed her care & I slowly, lost my place.
The last time I saw her, was 2 weeks ago, at my favorite spot in Simei. That place, can see the most stars in Simei in the night. I planned to bring her one of these days, with a surprise there. Didn't expected, it turned out to be a ground of sadness & sorrow. I hugged her the last time & until now, I still remember the feelings. I wonder now, why..why did I did all these & created a mess like that.
I planned so far & even checked the price of destinee, saving 2K for the ring. Perhaps, I am just being silly. Sometime, people just refuse to let go, like me. Of all people, I started this, whats yours will be, let go is just acceptance, yet I just refuse to accept, refuse to let go. People asked, why I kept a turtle as pet? There are no fun at all...because turtle probably will die after I die. I don't need to see her go. I hide, I conceal, because I am weak.
In the 2 years, I see countless effort, celebrated countless days, received countless gifts from her. Christmas, New Year, Lunar New Year, Valentine Day, my birthday, her birthday, anniversary. Watch, wallet, necklace, bracelet, tee, photo board, the charm, shirt & belt. Helped me to change my bed sheets, spring cleaning for Lunar New Year..many small things. I never said a thank you to her. Its my fault. To her, maybe I took it for granted, but I appreciated it so much. I enjoyed being with her so much. Often, to her, its a joke, asking her to live with me. If she can live with me, I would have requested.
In the 2 years too, the countless gifts she gave me, I never did able to buy her back something of the same price. I can't afford. I have alway felt bad that I can't provide her with good life, beautiful gifts. I only able to bring her out for restaurant lunch every week. Now, finally, I wanted to do everything I can for her, but..I didn't even have the chance. She didn't last till the day I get my first pay.
Used to, a phone call from her, was daily. We can chat while I was bathing, washing dishes, gaming, sleeping. Her sms replies, were instantaneous. Which, I failed to cherish. I am so sorry my dear. Now, phone call, never comes, sms replies if comes, often took hours. I too, can see, its too late. I too can see, its time to let go perhaps? But putting the full stop to us, the dot to us, seems so hard to me. So this is what love is about? Its sweet, yet waves of bitter & sourness. Painful & unbearable yet stayed on?
I know its stupid, I know I am never religious, but I asked...sky, god, angel, I don't know what to call, I didn't asked for much in my life. I only wanted my family to be healthy, have a good life, I have a decent job & a nice GF. Thats all? Lead a peaceful life. I didn't ask for infinite wealth? I didn't ask for superb fame, power or anything? Its so basic. Why..why something that's so basic got ruined by me? I prayed everyday, for a chance. This is so lame. Wei Li you are so god damit lame. Even if, we got back together now, it wouldn't be the same. I know her heart is not there, I know we can't reach the end. Smartness is good? Ignorance is a bliss? If 1 day, I wake up & found myself 2 years ago, will I be able to make a different?
A month back, I went to a fortune teller. He told me, beware of love triangle. I thought, I would be the one. Never would I expect, its her. Its so accurate & I really lost her. I know, love can't be forced. I can't force her to love me, can't force her to miss me, can't force her to think of me if she doesn't. Just like the others, I just don't think of them, no matter how hard they try. Sometimes, somethings, no matter how hard you try, it won't make any different. I never really believed much of the fate or destiny that kinda stuff, but, somewhere, probably its there. I looked too far into the future without saying, she looked too far into the past without telling.
So this is, the story, of us. I happened to have a story, with a sad ending. Only know to cherish, when everything is lost.
So let us love like there's no tomorrow. =)
