Day 30

I know, you have been busy with your family, work, dating, meet ups & stuff. You might even have a new boyfriend soon, its not suprising. So, afterall this while, I can't deny, it has been the worse time of life I have to go through alone. Losing you, has done me great damage, as well as realised & learnt a lot. It was a mistake we have made that caused this outcome. No one is right or wrong. Perhaps, its fated, perhaps, its destinied. You are just a stepping stone for me to move on to another stage of my life, same goes for me, to u. U decorated this part of my life well. Hope I did well too. Letting go, hurts me a lot, costed me countless sleepless nights, countless days filled with tears. All these, are unavoidable. I can only blame myself for loving you.

Recently, I too, can see, feel that your care & concern faded. Your sms,replies, responds..well if there is any replies. Like I have said, its not suprising you might even have some other guys in mind with the kinda hours you sms me. More to say, how fast you moved on. I start to wonder, is it me too weak,or its you too fast? But, the broke up, consist of a third party afterall, what can I say? Probably, I misjudged and always believed? Until today, I still don't understand what had happened that can't be forgiven, why it can't be left behind & move on. Unknowning what to do, can someone tell me.. Let go someone you didn't wanna live without...

Day 28

Everything..has an expiry date, even for love, relationship. Guess your love for me, has expired. I didn't understand why, for my stories, all, I have received the most damage. When its something I really wanted, when I put in everything, it will end.

Have I been lucky for my life till today, probably I have. Other than gambling, most of the time, I get what I want, with some luck. From 13 years of schooling results to my vacation job lobangs, ns vocation to my job now, probably all have been well taken care of by a guardian angel? Have had good life for all these years. But, probably cupid doesn't flavour me that much.
Indeed, it might be lucky of me, to have different people, that stepped into my life at certain point of time, that aided me in different ways, in terms of school work, accompany, provided resources & stuff.

I don't understand, how feelings can go away just llike that. I only fell deeper day by day. Probably, everything happened for a reason, just like what happened that created II. I am glad it all happened that made me what I am today. I learnt so much at then. Now, definitely, it hurts me so much, but, I believe it happened for a reason. My angel is watching closely over me.
I know, my care, my concern, my effort & my love doesn't mean anything anymore. Letting go is alway cruel, harsh & painful. But I don't have a choice. Everyday, I try to recall what happened in these 2 years, hoping I won't forget us. Well..I guess I failed. Forgeting is eventual, I do hope, for the day, we can walk to the end, hand in hand, with you by my side.
Undenible, I hate u. But I love u so much more. Ending was expected, marriage was bonus..I guess I wanted the bonus too much & forgot what's expected.

The End..

So, after about 1 month's struggle, everything, somehow, comes to an end. Indeed, life is going to move on, days gonna change. I wonder now, who will be the one, replacing the me you once had. I miss the days I had, 1 year ago. Can I ever, hear you say you love me, return to a time, where you still hold me dear? Can I ever, feel the warmth I used to have again?

Wei Li II...I learnt a hard lesson 3 years back, that made me what I am today. My mindset, thinking, practically, everything changed. I learnt to be selfish, unfair, dealing everything in a more practical ways, probably..even vengeances filled me. I only know me, belong to myself. Kill all others than get killed. I played, clubbed, gamed, party like no tomorrow. In order not to get hurted, I chose to harm alot. So after a year of hectic life, she tamed me & made me stayed. She provided me with everything..love, care, concern, warmth, stable life & everything I really wanted. I wanted a stable & peaceful life. Over time, I even forgot, why is there II. Even though, everyday, I see it on my nick, but slowly, the vengeful spirit of mind faded.

Wei Li III...3 years after II, I took a hard & painful lesson again. So III...what lesson I learnt? It is never to forget why there is II & cherish what I have everyday. Nothing lasts forever. I don't know what will become of me..probably back to old times....

Day 22

Wonder if you ever see me & I, wonder if you know I am there.

A colourless night.

So..what do you do, when you are alone in the night? Lie on your bed, think about your past, life & everything? Get a scroll nearby & feel the night breeze?

Nights feel colder, when I am alone, stars seem so bright. Probably, they have alway shined so, just that I didn't notice them. Everything around, feels so different without your presence. Shadow of yours, appeared everywhere. A colourless night...

For 2 yrs, from BMT to my unit, ORDed, to looking for jobs, found a job, coping it & eventual, changing of job, coping it till now. Every single turn in life, well, I can't say its hard for me or what, but I have alway know, you are there supporting me, there for me.

During BMT, times were tough, but you, were there. Your words comfort me to sleep every night. The change of life in my unit, well, certainly, everyone would feel..uneasy coping into a new environment, a change, but you were there, I wasn't afraid.

After I ORDed, job search. It wasn't tough, but it wasn't easy either, with interviews & stuff, but I know after every interview, how well I did or how badly it turned out, you are just a call away to hear me out, a message away to be found. Finally, I decided to take up a logistics job, honestly, because its near you. I don't know even know about logistics. At then, although there wasn't that much work for me, but I find it, quite hard for me to cope with the workpace, workplace, colleagues. In ns, I been having too much of the good life. But, it never once felt bad with your support. I was still happy, able to see you everyday, your breakfast daily and our often lunch meetups. I can find you easily when I felt bad. Life ain't that good, but I was truely, satisfied. It was a hard choice to to make, giving up daily meet ups, often lunch & going home together, but I decided to quit after 2 weeks. The work after all, is not suitable for me, & too, its not earning a lot to provide us good life.

I moved on to NYK, although its like only a $500 different, but its a job where I can provide you a better life right away, which I have alway wanted. Who likes working irregular hours anyway? Perhaps, you didn't see good future in me? Perhaps, you think I ain't able to provide you with a satisfied life? I never know. It was something, I didn't have a chance to ask, didn't have the chance to know.

Everytime, when I am feeling weak & small, you are the one that comes in my mind. Everytime, when I have problems, I turned to u.

On a street that only my shadow moves, only my footsteps sounded, I feel loneliness, yet traces of serenity. What is this world without you I asked myself. Its probably..just another world, with another day. I hope for your well being and happiness.

Come to think of it, I have graduated secondary school for 6 years, known her for about 7 years, graduated from poly for 3 years, known FJJLB for 3 years..maybe not Tiny. I get to know her, after we got together. Time flys. So I can say, Tiny have never seen me single before. Well..time's up, unknowingly, I have walked & blogged so long at the same time. Its time to work already.

Notice me, take my hand. Why are we, strangers land?
Our love is strong, why carry on without me?
Everytime i try to fly, i fall.
Without my wings i feel so small.
And everytime I see you in my dreams, I see your face, its haunting me.
I made believe, that you are here.
Its the only way, I see clear.
What have i done?
You seem to move uneasy.
I may have made it rain.
Please forgive me.
My weakness caused you pain, and this songs my sorry.

Day 18

Well..had a talk with her, so...everything has come to an end. If feelings wanna go, no one can say no. I don't blame her..its inevitable. I truely, didn't see her coming back in my life too. If this didn't happened, I may never know, love feels like that. If this didn't happened, one day, when she realise everything, it might be too late. Regardlessly, I never knew, I fell so deep for her. Hopefully, 1 day, she will come back, with all her heart. I was afraid of pain, didn't dare to put in my heart. Until I met her, she unlocked me & made me put in my everything. Why..loving her, has this outcome...?

The last gift, that was meant for her...probably, she don't have what it takes to accept it anymore. Too, probably, I don't have what it takes, to give her anymore..it will be gone forever.

Day 17

So, it has been a day, since we last contacted. Guess nothing can be worse than things are now. At least one thing to be happy about, things can't get any worse, or rather, no much worse there is already. I just wonder, if she even care. Every moment, I can feel my heavy heartbeat, which reminds me of her. I am so tired..yet I can't fall asleep. When I am about to fall asleep, suddenly the fact that she's now gone, came into my mind. I don't know whats this feeling. It feels like a real bad nightmare & I had a bad fright, jumpy feeling, then, I feel upset again. I am so tired...Wei Li is so tired. Guess what comes around, goes around. Reap what you sow. I just hope, she will be happy with what it is now..

A song..

I find this song, suits my story alot..

谁还记得
是谁先说永远的爱我
以前的一句话
是我们以后的伤口
过了太久
没人记得当初那些温柔
我和你手牵手
说要一起走到最后
我们都忘了
这条路走了多久
心中是清楚的
有一天有一天都会停的
让时间说真话
虽然我也害怕
在天黑了以后
我们都不知道会不会有遗憾
谁还记得
是谁先说永远的爱我
以前的一句
是我们以后的伤口
过了太久
没人记得当初那些温柔
我和你手牵手
说要一起走到最后
我们都累了
却没办法往回走
两颗心都迷惑
怎么说怎么说都没有救
亲爱的为什么
也许你也不懂
两个相爱的人
等对方先说找分开的理由
谁还记得爱情开始变化的时候
我和你的眼中
看见了不同的天空
走的太远
终于走到分岔路的路口
是不是你和我
要有两个相反的梦
谁还记得
是谁先说永远的爱我
以前的一句话
是我们以后的伤口
过了太久
没人记得当初那些温柔
我和你手牵手
说要一起走到最后
我和你手牵手
说要一起走到最后

My Our Story...

Well, 2 weeks since the broke up. So much so much happened.

In the morning, while I was looking my PSA pass in my wallet, I saw this red packet with a charm inside. Memories of its origin came into my mind. I remember it clearly, I got it when I was in BMT. I can't compare with Pes A or Pes B guys, but surely, it was a tough time for me too. At then, we were close friends. I told her almost every secret I have, even my scandals & stuff. So, we chat every night. I was bored & needed someone. She was there. I wonder, if she's bored too? Hahaz..probably not. She even bought pre-paid card, so she can chat with me when she's outside. Times at then, were sweet. I bought extra battery for my cell too, just to chat with her. But well, she helped mi to buy it too. Hahaz..

So, back to the charm. I still remember it so clearly, what I saw & what happened in BMT. In short, its just some..weird encounters. So, in the phone, we talked bout it. She was sweet. She went to the temple & got a charm for me. I wasn't really expecting it, I was..hahaz...in fact, quite surprised & touched. Slowly, I fell in love with her & in the end, we ended up together. Our get together, was simple.

I still remember, she went to pick me up on my last book out during BMT. Its as if it was yesterday, the images played in my mind like a clip, I walked towards her, she sat at Pasir Ris interchange with her lecture notes in hand, waiting & we took the train. Soon after we got together, I passed out from BMT. The first time, we meet up as a couple, was at Eastpoint. We held hands when we were in the Pet Safari.

I don't deny, it took me quite some time, to sort up my.."scandals". Hahaz...but never once, I have second thought about it. We were happy. At then, she was still schooling. We were able to chat every night, go out every week. Although, I alway think that its too early to talk about marriage, but in my heart, I know, she will make a good wife.

Then, she went for her attachment. I know, it wasn't too easy for her at then. Like its a change, its not used to the life like that. I tried my best, to be by her side, yet want her to be independant. I stepped into the society earlier, I know the feelings too. Probably, to her, I wasn't being too caring? But to me, I want her to learn & be strong. Like I can't be there forever right? Well, like I expected from her, she did well, too well. Hahaz..soon, her time for me, gradually decrease. She needs to work, take care of her dad. At then, I was in navy. Well my NS navy life was...too free. I have plentiful of time. Hahaz..so, I didn't wanna become another burden, liability to her, I turned to animes, which I never have such hobby before NS, all sort of gaming & my friends, to occupy my time.

During this period of time, few girls came into my life together. Let's just say, few good girls. Can't deny, this kinda stuff, I am in fault too. It takes 2 hands to clap. But, I can face my everyone & say, I didn't do anything wrong. I can feel their sincerity, but I never once forget, Cindy. Soon, things got...um..mayb called out of hand? I felt quite bad actually. They asked me to be with them, but I told them, I won't leave Cindy for them. It was so harsh. We can barely talk after that till now.

Although, to my close FJJLB friends who knew what happened, I am just another FJ arse, hahaz..I don't deny I play, but I ain't that FJ afterall. I just don't show myself. To everyone, I am just talking cock, fooling around & having fun. But who actually know me? Who seen me angry, who seen me cried? Who know that I like red, who know that I am not as cold & actually, very emotional. I just find my reflection so unreal.

After her graduation, she didn't work to take care of her dad for awhile. Umm..I admit, I didn't know how to react to her family problems, so I just told her it can't be helped, it can't be helped. Indeed, I wasn't being good enough. Whose perfect afterall? To me, its very sensetive to talk about family issue. I know she is disappointed, but, I really don't know what to do.

After awhile, through agency, she got a job, which is so ridiculous & made her cry. I tried to talk her out, probably I failed though & I seriously, got furious, called up the agency, wanting to screw the manager. Hahaz..but she stopped me. It aches me to see her suffer like that, but conceal my feelings. I know, she looks upon me, I just don't want her to see me weaker.

Time passed, she changed job & went back to her attachment company to work. As time passed, we got used to our lives, she got even lesser time, I turned to excessive gaming, anime & friends. Probably, things turned sour & I didn't realize it. Phone calls & smses, got lesser & lesser. Meet up became duller & duller. I still quarrelled with her several times. I remember 3 incidents so clearly. 1st time, was a Sunday. We quarreled at a carpark, near my house, before I head to a BBQ with my ex-boss. I grabbed her arm, & she cried. That moment, my heart..soften. I felt so bad, so sorry. 2nd time was at my house. We quarreled & she went out of the house to Eastpoint. 3rd, was the most recently, under Yang's block.

Indeed, it was my fault, I got used to everything & didn't cherish, provide her with what she needs. Soon, she got close to this attached guy as he showed her care & I slowly, lost my place.

The last time I saw her, was 2 weeks ago, at my favorite spot in Simei. That place, can see the most stars in Simei in the night. I planned to bring her one of these days, with a surprise there. Didn't expected, it turned out to be a ground of sadness & sorrow. I hugged her the last time & until now, I still remember the feelings. I wonder now, why..why did I did all these & created a mess like that.

I planned so far & even checked the price of destinee, saving 2K for the ring. Perhaps, I am just being silly. Sometime, people just refuse to let go, like me. Of all people, I started this, whats yours will be, let go is just acceptance, yet I just refuse to accept, refuse to let go. People asked, why I kept a turtle as pet? There are no fun at all...because turtle probably will die after I die. I don't need to see her go. I hide, I conceal, because I am weak.

In the 2 years, I see countless effort, celebrated countless days, received countless gifts from her. Christmas, New Year, Lunar New Year, Valentine Day, my birthday, her birthday, anniversary. Watch, wallet, necklace, bracelet, tee, photo board, the charm, shirt & belt. Helped me to change my bed sheets, spring cleaning for Lunar New Year..many small things. I never said a thank you to her. Its my fault. To her, maybe I took it for granted, but I appreciated it so much. I enjoyed being with her so much. Often, to her, its a joke, asking her to live with me. If she can live with me, I would have requested.

In the 2 years too, the countless gifts she gave me, I never did able to buy her back something of the same price. I can't afford. I have alway felt bad that I can't provide her with good life, beautiful gifts. I only able to bring her out for restaurant lunch every week. Now, finally, I wanted to do everything I can for her, but..I didn't even have the chance. She didn't last till the day I get my first pay.

Used to, a phone call from her, was daily. We can chat while I was bathing, washing dishes, gaming, sleeping. Her sms replies, were instantaneous. Which, I failed to cherish. I am so sorry my dear. Now, phone call, never comes, sms replies if comes, often took hours. I too, can see, its too late. I too can see, its time to let go perhaps? But putting the full stop to us, the dot to us, seems so hard to me. So this is what love is about? Its sweet, yet waves of bitter & sourness. Painful & unbearable yet stayed on?

I know its stupid, I know I am never religious, but I asked...sky, god, angel, I don't know what to call, I didn't asked for much in my life. I only wanted my family to be healthy, have a good life, I have a decent job & a nice GF. Thats all? Lead a peaceful life. I didn't ask for infinite wealth? I didn't ask for superb fame, power or anything? Its so basic. Why..why something that's so basic got ruined by me? I prayed everyday, for a chance. This is so lame. Wei Li you are so god damit lame. Even if, we got back together now, it wouldn't be the same. I know her heart is not there, I know we can't reach the end. Smartness is good? Ignorance is a bliss? If 1 day, I wake up & found myself 2 years ago, will I be able to make a different?

A month back, I went to a fortune teller. He told me, beware of love triangle. I thought, I would be the one. Never would I expect, its her. Its so accurate & I really lost her. I know, love can't be forced. I can't force her to love me, can't force her to miss me, can't force her to think of me if she doesn't. Just like the others, I just don't think of them, no matter how hard they try. Sometimes, somethings, no matter how hard you try, it won't make any different. I never really believed much of the fate or destiny that kinda stuff, but, somewhere, probably its there. I looked too far into the future without saying, she looked too far into the past without telling.

So this is, the story, of us. I happened to have a story, with a sad ending. Only know to cherish, when everything is lost.

So let us love like there's no tomorrow. =)

Day 13~15

Past few days, lots happened. Probably, I cried more than I have ever did. I am tired of very thing, even blogging to myself. I am trying so hard, to stay together, she's trying so hard, to stay separated. Perhaps, its time I should realize...

Day 12

Today, I attended a vessel. The captain was nice. I stayed on board to chat with him for an hour, listening to his adventures & stuff. So..he asked me 1 question, " Do you have a girlfriend? ". I paused a moment & answered him, "No". Can't imagine, how bad I felt that very second he asked & I answered. Its not his fault, but he really hit my wound so badly. I got pretty upset & went walking around in town, till Darren called. We went for a movie, America Gangster, then soccer. The whole day, my heart felt so heavy. Didn't even have appetite to eat anything & until now, I still feel hungry.

Day 11

I woke up, with this heavy heart again, dragging myself to office. Sleepless nights are making a day seems long. I wrote her a super long email again. I find myself, so pestering her. I want to stop all these, but I can't do it. What's worse...I screwed up just now & got too emotional.

Day 10

I felt so bad, so sick & tired of everything..so I wrote her this super long email, with most of my thoughts & feelings in it. Well, I know, it won't do me any good, but I really cant hold so much inside me. But, as expected, she never gives anything, thats positive. Endless waiting, all I can hold on to, is somethings our friends said. Replies she gave, things she said...no matter how hard I tried to hold us together, shes tries harder to separate it. Why things turned this bad..?

Day 9

So today, I got quite..sick & tired of everything. Otome meant well...asked me out to shop with her. After much persuasion, I went with her. But, well...I pissed her off. I wasn't paying attention to Otome, only keep on smsing. My heart & mind is only thinking about..her. Only thing that will get my attention is...my phone. Life..how can life be like this? I wanted to get her back...but the harder I try, the further she goes.

Day 6~8

So been few days, since my previous update. Like i mentioned in previous entry, things only got worse. I guess, this is really, so hard on me. Everyday, I try my very best to stay positive, try my very best to cheer up. But every single time, she never fails to ruin everything. Just can't she say something nice? Ignored my questions or if not, give me reply that is meaningless, changing another topic. Sometimes, I hope she could just lie & say something nice to keep me moving on. Guess, I made things worse, day by day..

Day 5~6

Um..guess...everything is getting worse & worse. I know, what I need to do to get her back, if not, at least make things better. But I can't do it. I can't control myself, I can't control my emotion. I get too emotional with her & messaged her things that make us worsen. If things carry on like this, losing her, is eventual..

Day 4

Well..a sleepless night & a foodless day for me. Been thinking & thinking about her. I know, the standard procedure, how things would be after a breakup. Its just hard to bear &...although I didn't say & show, I have alway loved her, alway wanted a girlfriend like her. Everything I do, no matter is right or wrong, I put her infront. Even when I spend my money, I try keep the most to spend with her. Man...not really in mood to say anything. Good night then...if I can have one that is.

Day 2 & 3

Yesterday, got back from work at about 1400 hour. Office having ½ day as its new year's eve. So, went home, wanted to be alone, wanted to be left alone, I off both my cells &..looked at celling, feeling this...stupid pain from my heart. I so hoped it will go away, I so hoped someone could helped, but in the end, I know it myself the clearest, nobody can help myself, nothing can be done. I have been consoling countless people, making countless friends life better, looking strong, telling everyone they can overcome it. But now it comes to myself, I find that...I actually can't do it. In the end, I still can't think of who I can turn to, what I can do. So, on new year countdown, I had everything planned, a nice room booked for her, but well...everything was ruined. I gave the room to FJJLB, didn't want to go out. But in the end, they somewhat, forced me out. I know they meant well. Man..I put on a normal self infront of them, but it so unbearable inside. I can't dwell like I want, I can't be weak, I can't tear, I can't do anything other than,be normal. Finally, after the countdown, they left, Yang fell asleep, I feel more..comfortable alone. Although I tried hard to sleep, but I never fell asleep more than 30 minutes everytime. My heavy heart, seem to wake me, no matter how hard I wannna sleep. Suddenly, time seem so much, a day seem so long & everything seem so slow. I just can't get her out of my mind, I just can't...in the end, I am the weak one. Finally, daybreaks. Its morning. Yang & me had a breakfast, he met an insurance agent, & insisted to watch AVP 2. Seriously, I ain't it the mood to do a shit. I went & watched, but well, probably I wasn't really concerned what the show was anyway. So finally, I made it to the eve, I knew he meant well, suggested dinner. But I really can't take it anymore. I insisted home...so, home I went, & here am I, blogging to nobody.